I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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