yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
