my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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