Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
