Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
