I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
