Me. At least after what I've been through.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Randomize
