Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
