What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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