I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
