I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
