I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize