Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
