I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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