I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize