I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
