On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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