walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
false alarm, still single
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