birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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