Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
