I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
