A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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