well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
