Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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