what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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