I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
