thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
