Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
