someone threw a dead crab at me
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
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