He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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