I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
