I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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