You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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