You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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