I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
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