My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
