you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize