you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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