I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
