so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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