is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
