You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
