for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
