dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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