I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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