I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
