If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
