I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I am naked and annoyed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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