he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
