I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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