Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
