I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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