i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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