The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
