You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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