a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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